How I treat suicide like a math problem

Every once in a while, thoughts of suicide will come into my mind. They come frequently enough that I’ve developed a strategy to deal with them.

Imagine we have a complicated math problem written on a piece of paper. Whatever we try, we can’t seem to figure out the solution to this problem. And it keeps gnawing at our mind.

There is a roaring fire nearby. We could throw the piece of paper with the math problem into the fire and it would be disintegrated. That would probably put the problem out of our mind. But would it really solve the problem? No.

The problem would still exist, we just wouldn’t be as aware of it. Maybe it would go back to existing only in textbooks. Or only exist in other peoples’ minds.

I feel the same way about suicide. I imagine my mind as the piece of paper, and the convoluted philosophical problems that trouble me are like the math problem. Instead of being written in pencil, these problems are written into the circuitry of my mind.

If I was to commit suicide, it would be like throwing the paper in the fire. I would be throwing my mind into the abyss of death. But the problems wouldn’t be solved. I might not be aware of them anymore, but they would still be there. Perhaps in someone else’s mind. Or perhaps just waiting for the next lucky victim.

And that is unacceptable.

Somehow, the thought of dying without solving the problem is often more troubling to me than the dying itself. So, I continue on, not satisfied until the problem is solved.

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