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Powerful Things White Moms Can Do to Protect Black Lives

While racial conflict swirls around our nation, I wonder what I can do.

I am a white mom with five kids. I live in a fairly racially diverse neighborhood in Southern California.

I am not an activist, or someone who even follows the news very closely.

People don’t come to me for thoughts on the latest happenings in the world.

I’m not a policy influencer.

But I do have influence.

As a mom, I have the greatest influence over the kids I am raising.

Maybe I can’t change a lot, but I can affect change in the next generation by doing these six things:

The experience of black people in this country is a lot different than the experience of white people in this country.

We have to teach our kids not to assume that what they are going through is what others have been through.

The only way they can learn about others is by listening to understand.

Our family learned to see things from a different perspective when we had a knock on our door one night.

The policeman standing there said that our neighbor had called to complain that our boys had been riding their scooters on his front porch and done some damage.

The neighbor was there, standing about ten feet back on the sidewalk.

Later, as we talked to our neighbor (and promised to fix what our boys had broken!), he said that he was sorry to get the police involved. He just did it because as a black man, he didn't feel comfortable knocking on our door and confronting us, without knowing how we would react.

That opened my eyes to what it meant for him to be a black man.

Even though we live in the same neighborhood, and our day-to-day lives are similar, the experiences he has been through make him have to take precautions I would never think to take.

We talked with our kids about seeing things from our neighbors perspective (and staying off our neighbors property).

When our son started middle school, he heard a lot of racist jokes and comments, and it wasn’t too long before he brought some of those home with him.

We promptly let him know that we don’t say those things in our home.

In his mind it was a little thing, but this “little thing” causes division and attitudes of prejudice. It keeps us in an “us” vs. “them” mentality.

When this same son got older and went to high school, a black friend offered to give him an “n-pass” to freely say the n-word around him.

“What did you do?” I asked my son.

“I said no thanks,” he told me. “It doesn't matter if he says I can. I’m not going to say that.”

Speaking kindly goes beyond just the things we don’t say, like explicitly racist words and jokes.

It also means that we give all people, regardless of the color of their skin, the benefit of the doubt.

The guy that cut you off in traffic? Probably not a huge jerk—he’s just having a bad moment.

The person who cut in front of you in line? Most likely just oblivious.

Think kindly.

Speak kindly.

And pass that on to your children.

Our kids can hear a lot of things about race in the media or on TikTok.

But nothing compares with going out and doing things for others in your community.

My sister-in-law and her husband own a restaurant in Southern California. This Thanksgiving, they packaged hundreds of meals and brought them to downtown L.A. to feed the homeless living there.

As they and their kids reached out and met the people living on the streets, they were face-to-face with what others are really dealing with.

People of all races were there, just trying to survive, and as they handed out food, they were filled with compassion.

When you serve others, it’s hard to judge them.

Instead, you truly see them and connect with them.

Our family looks for ways to serve others, both big and small. That might mean sharing food when someone is hungry, or being involved in community-wide service projects.

Either way, it opens our eyes to the needs around us.

Service allows our children to empathize with the needs of others around them.

It’s easy to stick with friends who look like us, and even more, who think like us.

When we broaden our circle of friends, we teach our children to do the same.

I have a friend with pale white skin and red hair, who creates diversity in my friendships. Even though our skin color is the same, our opinions aren’t.

She is an activist, always speaking up for the needs of other races and people of other sexual orientation.

She challenges my thinking, and helps me gain new perspective in a way that most of my other friends don’t.

It’s also good for our kids to see people of color in our homes and to get to know people of different races.

Once kids really get to know others, their prejudices will melt away and connection and understanding can flourish.

Sometimes it’s not enough to stand back and believe something—sometimes we have to do more.

We have to teach our kids to speak out when others are tearing kids down.

To do the right thing, even though it’s hard.

To have the courage to stand alone if it means they are staying true to their convictions.

We can’t be bystanders to violence and hate.

We have to stand up when it’s scary and protect those who can’t protect themselves—whether that’s on the playground, at home, or in a situation that is much more serious.

We have to be the ones to stand for what’s right.

Conversations about race can’t be delegated to the school system, friends or social media.

It is vital that we talk to our kids openly and honestly about what is going on and how what they do, say, and think makes a difference.

We have to admit to them that we don’t know everything and that we will continue to learn.

We need encourage them to come to us with questions as they continue to learn.

It’s not easy.

As a white mom, I don’t know if I’m teaching everything to my kids “just right.”

I don’t know if I am saying the right words, or if I have the right understanding of what others are feeling.

So, above all, in conversations with my kids, I express my desire to learn more.

I tell them that I don’t know everything.

I also tell them that we will continue to learn together, to love those around us, and to continue to change our own attitudes so we can be the change.

You don’t have to be a social media influencer, an author, or a celebrity to have influence.

You already have meaningful, lasting, powerful influence over your children.

The real way to create change is by starting there. Start with yourself and the children you are raising.

Teach those children to love others, to see the good in all people, and to let go of the things that divide us.

Teach them to be kind.

If you want balance, a break from the constant overwhelm, and to find more joy in raising your children, then check out my free guide: “The Ultimate Guide to Simplify Motherhood Cheat Sheet.”

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