The Palm of His Cock

Davy from the Belmonts knew Staten Island like the title

In the process of being a musician…and then cab driver…and then advertising agency owner who sold ads to a regiment of mostly brain dead hookers, I’ve known some pretty stupid people in my life. But a guy named Davey, a singer for the BELMONTS with whom I did too many road gigs back in my music business days, might have been the stupidest guy I ever met.

Davey was a hot mess. He chain-smoked like a chimney…weighed in at obesity levels…was actually illiterate…and could barely sing the show. But homey looked the part. He was the spitting image of 50’s doo wop and thus, Warren, the fake Belmont who ran the show, employed him on most of the jobs.

Davey wasn’t my favorite guy. It wasn’t that I disliked him necessarily. I just hated all the cigarette smoke on long trips and his utter clumsiness with women. I mean…he could really ruin a conversation if the girl in question was in any way enlightened.

So anyway…we were on our way to an engagement (how’s that for a sissy term?) in Staten Island when the band commenced to debating exactly how to get to Victory Boulevard after we crossed the bridge. Cab-driver notwithstanding, I think I’d had a grand total of one ride to Staten in my entire career and thus, sat by the sidelines while all the Einsteins debated the issue.

Warren had one route…and Freddie (the only real Belmont) had another. But Davey wasn’t having it.

Now, that preposterous declaration wouldn’t have been funny if Davey understood the grotesque mixed metaphor. But he was serious! Neither Warren nor Freddie (no Ivy Leaguers themselves) saw the humor. But I was buckled over. For the next three months, whenever Davey ventured an opinion, I couldn’t resist but observe that the gospel according to Davey was beyond debate as he knows whatever like “the palm of his cock!”

No doubt, Davey died a long time ago. He was so fat and full of cigarette smoke I can’t imagine him living to a ripe old age. But his memory lives on thanks to that one legendary line. When it comes to navigating Staten, fuggetaboutit! Davey knows the boro like the palm of his cock! Don’t even try it!

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